Frick, drastic diet side effect!

Okay so the Magic Mum ball is in just over two weeks, and I can barely get my arse into my dress, even with the "suck it all in, lift it all up, squash it all down until I can barely breath and people are asking me why in fact my lips are turning blue, and I am sweating like a pig magic undergarment type contraction that I have underneath it.

So I realised that I would in fact need to put myself onto a diet.

Now seeing as I am in fact about two lbs away from being hauled onto the Gerry springer show so the kind producer could show everyone how they had to knock down my external bedroom wall and remove me from said house with the help of an actual crain I figured that I needed something drastic.  

So I decided to go down the Cambridge diet rout.  

Three shakes a day, lots of water and nothing else. Now I started good, got up yesterday morning and had a chocolate mint shake and drank some water whilst trying not to salivate over the kids co co pops, and then by lunchtime I had another shake (they are actually very nice!) and then came the evening.  

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I have never been so hungry in my entire life!!!!

I'm sure I could feel myself getting weaker by the second. I check the mirror and fully expect to see a frail person looking back at me, you know, practically wasting away......but no...............the same frickin humongous arse is still there, and if anything looking a bit bigger than it was this morning.  

I actually found myself staring at a bloomin apple and fantasising about taking a bite, which considering I haven't actually eaten an apple since one was placed into my lunchbox in Junior infants is actually saying something!)  

I remain strong though, and resist!! Now my reward would be waking up the next morning 2lbs lighter but then something happened...................something that I was not expecting.................... I found myself on the toilet engaging in what can only be described as.....................oh the shame!!.............. .................

Now what I am about to say could be a bit TMI for some folk, so look away if ye are a big oul pansy!  

I have been doing what I can only describe as "Arse pissing" since yesterday morning  

I think it's my body getting used to the three shakes a day thing, but bloomin eck, I'm terrified to fart as there ain't no way you can hold in water no matter how you try.  

Now I don't want to be walking around Lidl and secretly let one go whilst standing next to a bloke I know would end up getting the blame because I have trumped and run across to the prawn isle before anyone can say stink bomb (don't pretend you don't know what I am talking about )  

only to discover that my grundies are wet, and not the front part either  

so I refuse to leave the house until such a time where the need to actually strain whilst on the toilet has returned.  

But all is well and good because I will hopefully be able to zip my ball gown up in two weeks time!!  

I feel the need to pre warn ye all too about my appearance and I will tell you the same as I told my MM friends a few weeks back.............................  

"I'm very excited about going to the ball, but I have this niggling little voice in the back of my head that I KNOW will eventually turn into a full blown screech the closer we get to the ball.  

It's saying "Everyone will be so gorgeous and pretty and slim and ye are gonna be the MM porker!"  

Oh I'm morto just saying that, but I feel I need to get the message out there first so that yis are prepared and don't recoil in horror as I waddle towards you in a bid to say hello. 

And don't tell me that I am exaggerating, because I KNOW I am not!!  

I'm not writing this in an attempt to get compliments or for you all to say that I will be beautiful anyaway because I wont!!! 

Ye see, I have more than the classic Jelly Belly, that is acceptable for most mothers to have. I am in possession of a belly that looks like it is harbouring Ireland's first octuplets.  

I wouldn't dare raise my arm to wave at you either, because it seems that my bingo wings continue to wave/wobble long after my hands have stopped  

I think I actually found a fat flap hanging over my knee cap this morning and to top it all of, my nose has gained weight (yes I know that sounds crazy, but I swear to you, it has gotten chubbier )  

My fingers look like bangers, one of which seems to have been squeezed into a gold band and I now have hippo feet!  

I am giving you all a heads up because lets face it, there ain't no point expecting to see J Lo only to discover that J Lump is standing before your very eyes in a shirt that can only be described as "Snug"

So "snug" in fact that you worry for your precious eyesight because the buttons look like they are under so much strain that they are about to pop off of it at any given minute and fly at approximately a hundred miles per hour directly into your face and cause irreparable damage, 

Only now you are thinking that irreparable damage to you sight might not be a bad thing as you start to notice the fat flap that is hanging under my chin..............why under my chin?

Well that would be because the sucky in contraption stops at the waistband, therefore all the fat that it has squashed has made it's way north and now has nowhere else to go but sit, in a very unattractive manner under my (whiskery) chin so you actually do find yourself willing the button that is only being held there by a (at this point) miniscule thread to come flying at you!  

So when you see me thundering towards you from the other side of the room at the precise moment the "witty" DJ grabs the perfect opportunity to play "Isn't she lovely" and attempts to stifle his laughter. 

At least I know you won't be too traumatised because you have already been pre warned and will know it is indeed Baby dust!  

Please don't feel the need to reassure me that all will be fine as I will be even more morto...............do feel free to laugh at my expense though

Phew! Okay That's better  

Well I'm off to have my next shake and see if the dress is any looser yet, and maybe consider what I will use to hide the oul bingo wings too as we can hardly have those babys flapping around threatening to smother anyone who dares to get with a foot of me now can we!

Oh Frick!!.........the chin hair.

Okay, so I am just out of the shower, and I'm brushing my teeth and checking for any (additional) blackheads that may have appeared on my nose overnight (which by the way appears larger than it did yesterday, Can a nose put on weight?  )

Anyhoo, there I am recoiling in horror at my skin because it seems to have decided that it will resemble that of a thirteen year old in the throws of puberty and no matter what I use to try to tame it, I still continue to get spots on a regular basis  

So, I have a little check of the oul eyebrows and thankfully they were only plucked last week so they are fine, and then just before I start to wonder if it is indeed the harsh bathroom light that is making me look like the surface of the moon or something more sinister I see it......................Staring at me like a beacon in the night.
If this were a horror film I would hear the dreadful tones from "psyco" as she pulls back the curtain 

"REH REH REH!!!" 

and then we would have three successful close up's of it in quick succession, each of them moving further and further in to the offending item until you are sitting on the couch with your face buried in a cushion too afraid to open your eyes, and waiting until it's safe to look again.

It was a fricking chin hair!!!!!!!

And I'm not talking of a bit of fluff either, it was practically a.................................oh God I can't even bare to say the word.....................a............. **shudder**.............Whisker  

It was long and black, sticking out about a centimeter!!!!!

I mean we aren't talking stubble here, which then forces me to ask myself the question, "If it's that long in length then How long exactly has it been there?"


Rewind about six months, and I am sitting at my lovely Dr Love's office, and we are talking about medication that will control my PCOS and he tells me all the symptoms of having this, one of them being extra body hair due to extra testosterone in my system (I mean, who doesn't want to be told that they are slowly turning into a bloke by a gorgeous man   )

Now I am sitting there, trying to control the severe blushing that my cheeks are insisting on doing (which is pointless, as there is no way to control it) of course doing my usual panic inner voice.

"Oh frick, he is basically telling me I'm a bloke, I'm gonna have a hairy chest, oh god I'm sure I found a hair on my nipple the other day, this is just the start of it, I will get a hairy back, and arse...............oh god I will have a five O'clock shadow, and I will end up as one of those ladies you see walking in the supermarket with a shaving rash looking at the tampax whilst everyone else around her wondering if I am buying them to feel more feminine or if I am indeed a he-she before they start taking bets on whether I will head towards the mens or the ladies should I get caught short. 
It will get to the stage where I prance around topless in front of DH and he only sees me out of the corner of his eye and then asks me "Is it not a bit warm to be wearing a jumper"

Well, I distinctly remember Doctor Love telling me that "They now make some very good creams for facial hair, if you ever find that you need any just come in and see me"

Now as if that in itself wasn't enough to make me cry every fifteen minutes for the next month he actually said it WHILST RUBBING HIS CHIN!!!!!!     

The whisker must have been there staring him in the face the whole time.
He was clearly trying to save me from discovering the horror that was this evening, and save me from being the tampax lady I described above.

So if you see some poor bloke at the ball wondering around in a (little bit too tight) dress, think you should know that it isn't Mr Man trying to make you all laugh, it will be me, and seeing as I will NEVER EVER go to see Doctor love to ask him for the "Stop me looking like a SheMale" face cream then I am just going to have to ask you all nicely not to point and laugh!!!!!!

Right I am armed with the tweezers, and I will now go to pluck it before it starts actually breeding and then get to bed and try to erase this unspeakable incident from my memory