Frick, drastic diet side effect!

Okay so the Magic Mum ball is in just over two weeks, and I can barely get my arse into my dress, even with the "suck it all in, lift it all up, squash it all down until I can barely breath and people are asking me why in fact my lips are turning blue, and I am sweating like a pig magic undergarment type contraction that I have underneath it.

So I realised that I would in fact need to put myself onto a diet.

Now seeing as I am in fact about two lbs away from being hauled onto the Gerry springer show so the kind producer could show everyone how they had to knock down my external bedroom wall and remove me from said house with the help of an actual crain I figured that I needed something drastic.  

So I decided to go down the Cambridge diet rout.  

Three shakes a day, lots of water and nothing else. Now I started good, got up yesterday morning and had a chocolate mint shake and drank some water whilst trying not to salivate over the kids co co pops, and then by lunchtime I had another shake (they are actually very nice!) and then came the evening.  

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I have never been so hungry in my entire life!!!!

I'm sure I could feel myself getting weaker by the second. I check the mirror and fully expect to see a frail person looking back at me, you know, practically wasting away......but no...............the same frickin humongous arse is still there, and if anything looking a bit bigger than it was this morning.  

I actually found myself staring at a bloomin apple and fantasising about taking a bite, which considering I haven't actually eaten an apple since one was placed into my lunchbox in Junior infants is actually saying something!)  

I remain strong though, and resist!! Now my reward would be waking up the next morning 2lbs lighter but then something happened...................something that I was not expecting.................... I found myself on the toilet engaging in what can only be described as.....................oh the shame!!.............. .................

Now what I am about to say could be a bit TMI for some folk, so look away if ye are a big oul pansy!  

I have been doing what I can only describe as "Arse pissing" since yesterday morning  

I think it's my body getting used to the three shakes a day thing, but bloomin eck, I'm terrified to fart as there ain't no way you can hold in water no matter how you try.  

Now I don't want to be walking around Lidl and secretly let one go whilst standing next to a bloke I know would end up getting the blame because I have trumped and run across to the prawn isle before anyone can say stink bomb (don't pretend you don't know what I am talking about )  

only to discover that my grundies are wet, and not the front part either  

so I refuse to leave the house until such a time where the need to actually strain whilst on the toilet has returned.  

But all is well and good because I will hopefully be able to zip my ball gown up in two weeks time!!  

I feel the need to pre warn ye all too about my appearance and I will tell you the same as I told my MM friends a few weeks back.............................  

"I'm very excited about going to the ball, but I have this niggling little voice in the back of my head that I KNOW will eventually turn into a full blown screech the closer we get to the ball.  

It's saying "Everyone will be so gorgeous and pretty and slim and ye are gonna be the MM porker!"  

Oh I'm morto just saying that, but I feel I need to get the message out there first so that yis are prepared and don't recoil in horror as I waddle towards you in a bid to say hello. 

And don't tell me that I am exaggerating, because I KNOW I am not!!  

I'm not writing this in an attempt to get compliments or for you all to say that I will be beautiful anyaway because I wont!!! 

Ye see, I have more than the classic Jelly Belly, that is acceptable for most mothers to have. I am in possession of a belly that looks like it is harbouring Ireland's first octuplets.  

I wouldn't dare raise my arm to wave at you either, because it seems that my bingo wings continue to wave/wobble long after my hands have stopped  

I think I actually found a fat flap hanging over my knee cap this morning and to top it all of, my nose has gained weight (yes I know that sounds crazy, but I swear to you, it has gotten chubbier )  

My fingers look like bangers, one of which seems to have been squeezed into a gold band and I now have hippo feet!  

I am giving you all a heads up because lets face it, there ain't no point expecting to see J Lo only to discover that J Lump is standing before your very eyes in a shirt that can only be described as "Snug"

So "snug" in fact that you worry for your precious eyesight because the buttons look like they are under so much strain that they are about to pop off of it at any given minute and fly at approximately a hundred miles per hour directly into your face and cause irreparable damage, 

Only now you are thinking that irreparable damage to you sight might not be a bad thing as you start to notice the fat flap that is hanging under my chin..............why under my chin?

Well that would be because the sucky in contraption stops at the waistband, therefore all the fat that it has squashed has made it's way north and now has nowhere else to go but sit, in a very unattractive manner under my (whiskery) chin so you actually do find yourself willing the button that is only being held there by a (at this point) miniscule thread to come flying at you!  

So when you see me thundering towards you from the other side of the room at the precise moment the "witty" DJ grabs the perfect opportunity to play "Isn't she lovely" and attempts to stifle his laughter. 

At least I know you won't be too traumatised because you have already been pre warned and will know it is indeed Baby dust!  

Please don't feel the need to reassure me that all will be fine as I will be even more morto...............do feel free to laugh at my expense though

Phew! Okay That's better  

Well I'm off to have my next shake and see if the dress is any looser yet, and maybe consider what I will use to hide the oul bingo wings too as we can hardly have those babys flapping around threatening to smother anyone who dares to get with a foot of me now can we!

Oh Frick!!.........the chin hair.

Okay, so I am just out of the shower, and I'm brushing my teeth and checking for any (additional) blackheads that may have appeared on my nose overnight (which by the way appears larger than it did yesterday, Can a nose put on weight?  )

Anyhoo, there I am recoiling in horror at my skin because it seems to have decided that it will resemble that of a thirteen year old in the throws of puberty and no matter what I use to try to tame it, I still continue to get spots on a regular basis  

So, I have a little check of the oul eyebrows and thankfully they were only plucked last week so they are fine, and then just before I start to wonder if it is indeed the harsh bathroom light that is making me look like the surface of the moon or something more sinister I see it......................Staring at me like a beacon in the night.
If this were a horror film I would hear the dreadful tones from "psyco" as she pulls back the curtain 

"REH REH REH!!!" 

and then we would have three successful close up's of it in quick succession, each of them moving further and further in to the offending item until you are sitting on the couch with your face buried in a cushion too afraid to open your eyes, and waiting until it's safe to look again.

It was a fricking chin hair!!!!!!!

And I'm not talking of a bit of fluff either, it was practically a.................................oh God I can't even bare to say the word.....................a............. **shudder**.............Whisker  

It was long and black, sticking out about a centimeter!!!!!

I mean we aren't talking stubble here, which then forces me to ask myself the question, "If it's that long in length then How long exactly has it been there?"


Rewind about six months, and I am sitting at my lovely Dr Love's office, and we are talking about medication that will control my PCOS and he tells me all the symptoms of having this, one of them being extra body hair due to extra testosterone in my system (I mean, who doesn't want to be told that they are slowly turning into a bloke by a gorgeous man   )

Now I am sitting there, trying to control the severe blushing that my cheeks are insisting on doing (which is pointless, as there is no way to control it) of course doing my usual panic inner voice.

"Oh frick, he is basically telling me I'm a bloke, I'm gonna have a hairy chest, oh god I'm sure I found a hair on my nipple the other day, this is just the start of it, I will get a hairy back, and arse...............oh god I will have a five O'clock shadow, and I will end up as one of those ladies you see walking in the supermarket with a shaving rash looking at the tampax whilst everyone else around her wondering if I am buying them to feel more feminine or if I am indeed a he-she before they start taking bets on whether I will head towards the mens or the ladies should I get caught short. 
It will get to the stage where I prance around topless in front of DH and he only sees me out of the corner of his eye and then asks me "Is it not a bit warm to be wearing a jumper"

Well, I distinctly remember Doctor Love telling me that "They now make some very good creams for facial hair, if you ever find that you need any just come in and see me"

Now as if that in itself wasn't enough to make me cry every fifteen minutes for the next month he actually said it WHILST RUBBING HIS CHIN!!!!!!     

The whisker must have been there staring him in the face the whole time.
He was clearly trying to save me from discovering the horror that was this evening, and save me from being the tampax lady I described above.

So if you see some poor bloke at the ball wondering around in a (little bit too tight) dress, think you should know that it isn't Mr Man trying to make you all laugh, it will be me, and seeing as I will NEVER EVER go to see Doctor love to ask him for the "Stop me looking like a SheMale" face cream then I am just going to have to ask you all nicely not to point and laugh!!!!!!

Right I am armed with the tweezers, and I will now go to pluck it before it starts actually breeding and then get to bed and try to erase this unspeakable incident from my memory  

My dress expeditions........

Okay two wonderful MM's have sent me two wonderful beautiful dresses.

Now they arrived today and I tried them on.

Now dress one is pink, dark pink and is satin.

Now sin one, the pink thing.
I will tell you what I told the MM when she PM'd me offering the use of her dress.

Quote:

Thank you so much for your offer but I feel I have to decline. 
You see I already share an uncanny resemblance to miss piggy and if I were to actually wear the colour pink I would simply be adding fuel to the already blazing fire 

I'm simply not brave enough!

Black I can do, dark dark red at a push, but pink!! OMG I'm sweating thinking about it 

Oh but thank you so much for thinking of me, I really appreciate it!

Ye are braver than me when it comes to dresses I tell ye 

Thanks again

Anyway, she talked me round to the idea and I'm glad she did because the colour is really nice!

The other dress is the one whitecat sent M4L (there is a post on it somewhere lol)

Again it is beautiful!

So they arrived with chuckles this afternoon (that's the nickname for my postman, because he always has a face like a bulldog licking piss off of a nettle, although I need to stop with the nicknames because DS1 called him chuckles to his face last week and I just laughed, mortified, and told chuckles that was DS1 new word for this week so he was calling everyone it  judging by the extra angry bulldog licking extra strong piss off of a nettle look he shot me though I would say that he wasn't entirely convinced  )

Anyhoo, I see the packages, I can almost hear music as he hands (shoves) them over to me, I have been waiting for these!!

I take the packages into the bedroom and open them like a crazy lady, the dresses are only gorgeous!!!!

Both of them are gorgeous!!!

I realise that I am however a porker, and go rooting around my underwear drawer for my "suck it all in" Magic knickers (I use the word knickers loosely because they look more like a skin coloured tights version of cycling shorts with an extra high waist that Simon Cowel would be proud of!)
I find them and start to literally stuff myself into them, pulling them up and squeezing the fat in!!
(I then make a mental note to do this in the bathroom of the hotel so that Jolly Green Giant doesn't have to witness this monstrosity)

After I am now sufficiently sucked in (well not so much sucked in, but the fat is being kept in one place and not wobbling around as much) I try on the dresses!

Dress one, oh it is gorgeous, the neckline is prefect and the shape is so flattering.
The material however is not.
It shown up every single lump and bump, I can see the spare tyre underneath my first spare tyre, I'm sure if I look closely enough I can even see my stretch mark indents shining through.

Satin is so unforgiving!!! 

I realise that I need an extremely forgiving dress (think the Queen of catholic dresses, ye know with all the forgiveness and all)

I think about what to do to cover my arms, so I wonder what a black shawl would look like, I of course have no shawl so I grab a pair of trousers and drape them over my shoulder.
Holy Frick, they have bulked me out to the size of the incredible hulk!! 

People would mistake me for a cross dressing Mr Universe!  

I promptly remove the offending item.

I get DH to take a pic of me wearing the dress, and DS1 tells me I look like a princess!

I pose for the photos and just as I am about to look at them DS2 comes out and gasps.
"Ah Mammy!!! you have a big fat belly like Kung Fu Panda"  

I look at the photos and they do indeed confirm what DS2 is telling me, so I try on the second.

All well so far.
I ignore DH saying "wtf is that??" as I whip off the dress and remember that he has never actually set eyes on the tights/cycling shorts/suck it all in knickers combo I have going on under the dress, sure he will get over it  

I then put on dress two.
This is gorgeous too, and it comes with a shawl which is a bonus!

I realise that this dress has the thinnest straps I have ever seen in my life.
Now I have two choices,
I could either go braless, or show my bra straps like a brazen hussy  

I consider the no bra thing for a second and them come to my senses.
There aint no way I'm letting the spaniels ears off of the leash for the night!
I would be constantly moving my nipples from my arm pits, back to the centre of the dress, or even worse, I would have them making great friends with my belly button, actually below the sash!!!

Oh god I have visions of the sash being tied up and the shape of two nipples poking out from under it...............NOT the look I plan to go for.

I rummage around for a bra and find some sort of liquid filled one with thin straps.

This seems to keep the girls where they should be and the straps don't look too bad.

I place the shawl over me and I think this could be okay after all.

How the hell I keep the shawl up is beyond me cos I sure as hell ain't getting out my bat wings for the world to see (why bat wings? well lets just say that they are a step up from the bingo wings)

I go to get the shoes that I ordered a while ago, and put them on.

As I go to show DH this dress I realise that I can't feckin walk in the heels and nearly go arse over tit onto the kitchen floor (that's just what I would need, a trip to see doctor love with a broken leg whilst I have my incredibly hairy legs (I know, there is no excuse apart from the fact that my octuplet carrying sized belly makes it awkward to shave them) and even more horrendous tights/cycling shorts/suck it all in knickers. 

Frick!!!

It doesn't bare thinking about, so I take the shoes off and vow to shave my legs and change before I practice walking in them  

Anyway!
I now have two dresses, both which I hope will fit properly by the time the ball comes.

Thanks M4L, Whitecat and E  

Now.....where did I put that ladyshave............................

Retracting Balls..........

Okay I knew I had forgotten to tell you about one of my mishaps yesterday so here is the missing post................................

So I'm all ready to tell yis how today went.
I hope I'm not boring yis to death with all the doctor talk but a few people have asked for an update so here I am!

It all starts well! The nurse (who seems to have made it her new years resolution to get a smear test from me!) called me in, so I thought, great she just has to check his hips and I'm outta here!

No such luck, as soon as I told her PHN had wanted to get him checked because he had an extra fold near his hips, off she went to get the doctor.

Now I had already bumped into floppy haired doctor (I mean literally bumped into him too.
I was holding the baby and he was doing his usual rock backwards and forwards and try to headbutt me thing, and I was just standing at reception to say that I was here.
I turned around to go and take a seat and I didn't realise that he was behind me.
I of course scream out in an extra loud shocked voice "Frick!" (I seem to be using that word a lot lately, and of course the flipping place was otherwise silent) 
Quickly followed by "Oh my God, I'm so sorry"
Floppy haired doc just flashed me a smile and told me it was okay and he placed his hand on my back and moved around me.
I could feel my face getting hotter, and I just knew I was the colour of a beetroot.

Now once I go red, it takes me ages and ages to get back to looking normal again, so I was still red when I went in to see the nurse...

Anyhoo, I'm waiting for her to come back in with one of the doctors and hope that it's not Doctor Love (you will remember what happened yesterday with the bajingo pads)

The baby is on the bed with his trousers off ready to be examined and I start to flap my hands about in front of my face in a bid to cool it down and take away some of the redness, now in all honestly, I wasn't helping matters by keeping my coat on, but if I was to remove that then my arse would be on show because my top didn't cover it, so I would rather be all hot and red for the time being.

In walks the nurse, with.......yep..........you guessed it..............Doctor Love!!

He sees me and I quickly move my flapping hands down to my sides, praying he didn't think I was just trying to waft away a bad smell, and I swear to God the smile on his face is huge 
"Frick" I think as I just know he is thinking, "ah ha, it's the smelly bajingo girl who won't get her tits out, and now she is trying to waft the stench around the room so I don;t notice it"

"Hello Babydust" he practically beams.
I try to take the focus away from the gigantic box of pads that he is clearly having flashback's about by making a joke.
"I told you it wouldn't be long till I would see you again" I laugh.
I just know that he is thinking "fresh bajingo, fresh bajingo ha ha" and like a scene in a horror film the image of a box of pads next to his egg mayo sandwich on the conveyor belt flashes through my mind.

He jumps across the bed and straddles it in such a smooth manner, and I find myself wanting to be that bed, which makes me go even more red in the face!

He takes DS3 nappy off and says "whoa, he is a real Irish boy, his balls are huge!"
The Nurse bursts out laughing, as do I (although I have no idea if they are!)

He starts to check him, he then does this thing to his groin and says "Ah do you see that?"
I look at him completely bemused.
I try not to look like a dumb arse, but seeing as I don't actually spend too much time admiring DS's "chipmonk" I really don't know what I'm supposed to be looking for.

"Its a reflex action, watch when I press there you will see his testicles move up into his body"
I watch, and see that this is indeed the case.

Me being me then say's the stupidest thing.
"Is that good?"
He looks at me like I'm crazy and I quickly say "I mean, is that supposed to happen!"

He then starts to tell me about this animal in south Africa who retracts it's balls to protect them from the heat, when the sun beats down onto the ground and the rays bounce up onto the animals underside.

I listen intently, and couldn't help myself from saying 
"My DH could do with that reflex when he annoys me"
He laughs, and all seems okay, at least there is no bajingo talk!

He then gets DS to stand up and bare some weight on his legs and asks
"Is he walking yet?"
I laugh and say "Of course not, he is only eight months!"
He smiles and says "Ah but I was walking at six"
Me and the nurse look at each other and say "Years is that"
I think he likes us taking the mick outt him!
Everyone is laughing and the mood is good, I start to relax a bit which is great.

He then says to put some special bum cream on DS's rash under his neck and I say "Oh it's all balls and bums with you isn't it"
Oh frickity frick frick!!
Thats right babydust, just tell the man that he is obsessed with peoples balls and arses, that's not like telling him he is gay at all is it now? 
I'm sure I'm so red that my head is about to expload.

He, as smooth as ever just says
"Oh I'm an old pervert me"

I swear my knees just went weak and I think "oh but if only"

And he jokes "Yes I was banned in my country, why do you think I'm working here"

Everyone is laughing and I can hear myself saying the words before they even come out, but I am for some reason powerless to stop them leaving my mouth.
"Oh I must make an appointment with you for myself then" 
FRCIK!!! Now he will know that you think he is sexy......I just want to DIE!!!

He tells me how to treat DS3's rash and explains that 
"It can also be found under the breast" before he laughs loudly and says "see now we are talking about breasts too!"
I grin and prey that he isn't trying to drop a hint.

He however seems to think that this is funny, and I hope the desperation in my laugh isn't making him think that I spend my days chasing pervs because that's the only way I could get some action.

We all say goodbye and I thank him and he leaves the room.
The nurse says "Isn't he brilliant" and I just KNOW that he is Doctor Love to her too  

So all being well I get baby dressed and she then starts at me about my smear and breast check.
(I can only assume that Doctor Love hasn't told her about the smelly bajingo thing)

Well I will start with the breast check I say, because to tell yis the truth, I attacked my bajingo with the ladyshave a couple of days ago and kinda got a bit carried away.
In other words, I look like a pre pubescent twelve year old girl down there  so I need to let it grow for a week or two.

She goes over how to check my breasts and notices that I have a rash on my upper chest (had it for a while now, and it is not pretty)
She says, Will I call him in again to check that for you.
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ARE YOU CRAZY" I practically scream.
"Um, I mean, oh it's okay, I'm sure it will be fine"
"No No No" she insists, acting like Mrs Doyle on from Father Ted only on an overdose of E numbers 
"We can give you something for that, let me go and speak to him, he will only have a quick look"
And with that she leaves the room, leaving me sitting there with my thoughts, and I have A LOT of them.

Why not get him in to have a look, I mean it;s not like it's an embarrassing thing now is it, sure the fat won't repulse him enough, lets just get the big oul rash to tip him over the edge!

I have only just admitted that I like the idea of him being a perv, and then, the nurse goes in there and says "Oh yes she has a rash on her tit's, please come in and "examine" them.
I see him having visions of me lying there, nipples erect and lustfully saying "Come and feel my breasts big boy"
I then have visions of his own testicles retracting in horror, much like the South African animal he was telling me about earlier 

He will be thinking I am ready to frickin rape him
OhmiGod, how do I get myself into these situations, me and Doctors should never mix, no good can come from it!!!

I sit there and think "frick I have me oul granny bra on, and he will see it, and think, even a Perv wouldn't get turned on by that love, before he goes ahead and pukes up his usual egg sarnie.

I sit there and go over all the balls and arse talk that went on before and then like a slap in the face it hit me!!

He must have been dropping a hint about my chest rash when he mentioned that DS3's rash can be found under the breast.
Arrghh, he is officially repulsed and trying to tell me how to clear it up without me forcing him to look at it, and now she is going to say "come and look at the fat girls tittys because she fancies you and wants you to feel her up!!!

At this point the nurse comes back and gives me an appt and explains that he wants to get my full blood works done as he thinks it may be hormonal and once the results are back I am to book in with him to go over everything.

So it's not over!!

I have a blood test on Tuesday and an appt with him the following week, he wants to check me from "top to toe"

Oh Frick, what am I gonna do?

I only went in for DS3, aren't they supposed to ignore the person bringing in the patient  

I have a feeling that I may have to resort to fake tan to make the blubber look a bit more human..........

How the frick do I get outta this one?  

Frickity Frick!!

The ordeal isn't over yet!!..........................................................................

So I'm in the bank, waiting in line (always bloomin busy in there) with DS2 (he HAS to come in with me because he KNOWS they have a bowl of lolly pops at the counter  )

So there I was reading a leaflet about online banking just so I look like I'm using my time constructively (they don't know I have had online banking for over a year now  )

The Old Lady at the front is taking forever, I'm sure she has just asked the girl at the counter for a million euro in one cent coins  

Anyway, I have my cheque in my hands ready to lodge and I'm excited that I will be going away soon, so I let my mind wonder until I hear the door open.

Yep...........you all by now will KNOW who walked in..........................Don't pretend you haven't guessed.................................................................................................





That's right, it was the one, the only, Doctor Love.

First at the shops when I was buying my bajingo pads, then at the doctors with DS3 where we had the very entertaining discussion about balls  and the nurse wanted him to grope the girls  and now at the fricking bank!

It was okay though, he smiled at me and I smiled back.

He didn't need to join the queue thank goodness, and I thought that I could finally say that I had a normal, non embarassing encounter with Doctor Love until DS2 pipes up.

"Mammy that's Doctor Love" at the top of his voice.

For the first time in my life I am actually grateful of the fact that he has a slight delay with his speech because it came out as "Mammy dats dota yuv"

He then had to walk past me as my queue reached the flippin exit door (little oul lady is still at the counter so I haven't budged) and said 
"Hello H (Babydust)" with a huge grin.

I smiled back and said "Hi J (Doctor Love)" trying to drown out the extremely loud FRICK that was currently screeching continuously inside my head.

Please, please puhleeeeaassssssseeee tell me he didn't understand him!!    

I still have to face him, and bump into him (because that seems to be a given now every time I leave the frickin house) 

I would be laughing my head off if it wasn't feckin true!!!!   

But seeing as I can't laugh at it, I thought that maybe some of you lot could........ 

Dignity could not be saved...........

My third "out of hours" encounter with Doctor Love went as follows..............................

I knew living in a small rural place would come and bite me on the arse one day, and today was that day.

You no doubt will remember my last post regarding my boob and bajingo appt with Doctor love, which I had to cancel today because DS3 had an appt for his eight month check (which is a whole other thread btw  )
I would be lying if I said I wasn't relieved....

Ah-hen-e how, fresh from the visit to the PHN I then realise that I need Oil, chocolate chips, Flour and Co Co (Yes okay, I was going to make the five minute chocolate mug cake.....busted  )
So me and DS1 go into the shop, pick some bits and bobs up (including my alldays "fresh" pantyliners, which ironically enough I would never usually get in there, but they had a double pack on offer so I picked it up thinking I would save a few bob)

The place is deserted, which is nice because it's stress free shopping (or it's supposed to be anyway)
So me and DS1 head to the counter with our goodies.

There is one little old Lady in front of me buying some milk so I wait behind her and place my things on the counter.

The old lady starts chatting to the checkout girl, which is to be expected, and I'm not in a rush so I just smile and show I don't mind.

Right then, I hear someone join the queue behind me, I turn around and frickety frick frick!!!

It's Doctor Love    

"Hello Baby Dust" he says as he places his sandwich right behind my Alldays FRESH pantyliners.

My first thought was "Oh frick, you were supposed to see my tit's today" and I instantly look down to check that I am not showing any clevage, which of course then leads me to believe that he saw me looking down at my own breasts, which would then remind him that he was supposed to see them today in case he had forgotten.

"Oh, I know I have been to see you too many times if you remember my name" I laugh all the time thinking

"Frick, frick, frick, he has seen my pantyliners, and they have huge fecking letters on the box to tell you that they are fresh, which in other words must tell you that I have a smelly bajingo and therefore need the extra fresh odour eating industrial strangth pantyliners.
Why oh why in God's good name did I not just get the small box, so the writing would be at least half the size, or better still wait until I go to the chemist and pick them up in there"

He laughs at my attempt at a joke and I can't seem to change the look of horror on my face as I see just how close his Egg mayo sandwich is to the offending item.

I start to think "Should I move it? maybe I should, but then if he hasn't actually noticed it then I will just be bringing attention to it by moving the gigantic box and placing it further up the belt, oh FFS, why don't I just grab the speaker and announce to the store that BABYDUST HAS A SMELLY BAJINGO!!!"

"OK then, so maybe he won't even notice it" I reason with myself, all the while the old lady and the cashier still gassing like they have all the time in the world,.
"After all, there are other things on the belt, like flour, oil, choco.........ah shit!!!
The guy knows I'm overweight (Yea, because that's the kinda thing you have to tell people, it's not like they can see it themselves  ) and should be dieting and here I am with the feckin ingriedients for a chocolate cake lined up"

I don't know what's worse!

"Are you alright then" he asks, looking even sexier than usual.

"Oh yes thanks" I say, all the while trying to think about something to say that will stop him from looking at my purchases and thinking "ye fat cow, you are supposed to be on a diet!!"

Finally, the little old lady moves along and the checkout girl looks at me and says hello.

"Thank feck for that" I think as I move across to the other end of the belt.

So there is Doctor love, still talking smiling and talking to DS1, while I am trying to gather the things together.

At this point, I remember that this shop don't "do" carrier bags, so I am going to have to carry the stuff on my person.

I try to disguise the giant box of anti smelly bajingo pads behind the flour, but the box is twice as big as the small bag of flour, so I just try to cover the "fresh" part of it.

"No, doubt I will be seeing you soon enough Doctor Love" I smile, hoping against hope that if I just act normal then he won't go and tell the nurse who is doing my smear that she had better have the gas mask ready for my visit, otherwise she will choke on my bajingo fumes.
he smiles and laughs and I walk away, thinking I still have a bit of dignity left.

I of course drop the box just as I get to the doorway, and see DS1 reaching to grab them so I just keep on walking out the door, until I hear DS1 shout 
"Mammy, ye dropped your nappys!"

I didn't even look back, DS1 had to chase after me to the car...........     

The worst thing is that I have to go see him tomorrow morning because the PHN wants him to check DS3's hips.

FRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!